February 12, 2023

Let’s talk mental health. I have been struggling a lot lately. I am not sure if I am struggling more than usual, or if I am just more aware of it now than I have been previously. I know that I am not alone in my struggle. So many of us are living with depression and anxiety and are dealing with unhealed traumas in our lives. I have felt compelled to share my own story, in the hopes it will help someone else on their journey.

For starters, I have dealt with anxiety and depression most of my life. When I was younger, I did not know what anxiety was. It is so interesting to look back now and see how I was crippled by it at times in my life when I was younger. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood (likely due to coping mechanisms related to trauma), but I would say I can remember back to as early as age 6 or 7 that I felt anxiety creep into my life.

The depression began around age 15 and has had a steady grip since then. I am now 42, and still deal with depression. I am self-aware of my depression now and take medications to help cope with the symptoms. I have been medicated on and off (mostly on) since my teens. In my early twenties, I was out of work on disability due to my depression. I simply felt as though I couldn’t do life anymore. It was, and still is, a struggle to get out of bed some days.

In addition, I have a lot of unhealed trauma in my life. This has really stunted my growth spiritually, and just as a human in general, because I have not dealt with it. Sure, I’ve been to therapy, but I have never really taken a deep dive into traumatic events in my life an healed from them. Shadow work was not a term I was familiar with until I entered my first spiritual awakening. If you are unfamiliar with the term, shadow work is basically uncovering and healing parts of you that are stored in your unconscious mind. Since my first awakening in 2020, I have still not done that work. I know that it is necessary, but I avoid it like the plague!

I have become very self-aware of my depression in recent years. I can see a depressive bout coming, but there is little I feel I can do to stop it. I am able to recognize the depression, and acknowledge that it is present, but then I am stuck in this period of feeling low that I struggle to pull myself out of.

If I am being totally honest, sometimes it feels really good to wallow in my depression and stay in a dark place. Not that I like to feel, or be depressed, but it is comfortable there. When I am in a dark place, it is easier to shut out the outside world and not worry about anything else.

As a mom and a wife, I am not able to stay in that dark place. I have a responsibility to my children and my husband, and I owe it to them (and myself!) to pull myself from that dark place that feels so comfortable to hide in. While it seems easier to wallow in my sadness, stay in bed, and not go to work, I don’t have that option. I have to show up. For myself, my kids and my husband. I have to participate in life, no matter how difficult it can seem some days.

I am blessed to have a husband who loves and supports me unconditionally. For the first time in my life, I have someone who accepts me fully for who I am. That includes the unhealed parts of me. In previous relationships (familial and romantic), I have always had to brace for impact after sharing my feelings. I have had to brace myself for how this other person is going to react and make me feel because of my own personal feelings that I have shared with them. Because of this, I have a hard time communicating my feelings with my husband. He has never once made me feel that I needed to brace for impact, but the unhealed parts of me inhibit my being able to openly share my feelings without having some trauma responses mixed in. I am thankful that I am aware of and can recognize this. Now I need to put in the work and actually heal myself! No one can do it for me and if I want to move past these feelings, I know I need to deal with them.

I am hopeful that by sharing, I can open the door to healing and feeling more comfortable sharing my feelings with my husband. I fully recognize that for myself, it is a choice to either stay in the struggle or to get out of it. I recognize that I am not my feelings and that I have a choice as to how I react to them.

There is real importance in being able to identify all of this and decide how you will react in a given situation. Give yourself some grace as you identify, deal with, and heal from these emotions. It is not easy, but gets easier with time and repetition. You alone have the power to change your mind and change your feelings. You are the author of your own story. If you don’t like the way it reads, write a new chapter!

I hope you embrace this message and make the most of your experience here on this earth! We are here for such a small amount of time. Might as well make the most of it!

Rebecca